Given the choice of being bored or gambling what would you do? I know what I'd want to do, which is why my life is much less fulfilled than it should be. Because over the years, instead of honing my skills as a singer/songwriter/musician, I gambled. Instead of publishing my novel, I gambled. Instead of finding out what it takes to accept life on its terms, I gambled. Instead of sitting with the emptiness that we often find ourselves in, I gambled. Instead of accepting my limitations, I gambled.
In short gambling was my drug of choice. It is incredibly mood altering. Sometimes in the afterglow of having good sex, I would feel the same tingle down my spine as I did when I anticipated gambling.
Gambling is not a moral issue, any more than problem drinkers have a moral failing. If it was a moral failing, than does that mean all those people who drink "responsibly" have a stronger moral compass?
Life is messy, and I am not one of those who believe unless we feel empowered in life, we are failures. I belive the opposite. I believe we are all imperfect. And the faster we accept that, the more we are able to be at ease with ourselves and have compassion for others.
I have been indignant many times by others who have lied to me. But how many times have I lied because of my gambling? Am I a bad person? No. So that is how I use my imperfections to be compassionate to others and not take things personally. And it is how I am able to sit a little longer with myself when I am uncomfortable or anxious about something, rather than follow my urge to gamble.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
A Million Dead End Streets
"A gambler with a system must be, to a greater or lesser extent, insane." -George Augustus Sala (1828-95) English writer and journalist
Put another way, a gambler with a system is nothing more than a fool. The immutable facts about gambling is that it is detemined by streaks. Because the percentages are in favor of the house, over the long run the gambler will lose.
Card players think they are in more control, but don't fool yourselves. Winning and losing is largely determined by luck. The cards are random. The human factor plays a small role, but it is not the determining one.
So with the incontrovertable evidence that gambling is a fool's errand, why do we continue? Because even the slightest hope of winning justifies the excitement felt by the act of gambling. But let me ask you this: If you knew that the attactive and hot person before you that had you all lathered up was infected with HIV, would climb in bed with him/her? Of course not.
Yet, we walk away from the gambling whore not with HIV, but with our teeth kicked in or our noses smashed. And as bad as we feel, once we are on our feet again, we go back for more abuse.
We don't gamble because we are masochistic, we gamble because we have no control over the impulse. The promise of pleasure and excitement we feel totally obliterates the previous experiences of pain.
Let's not forget that compulsive gambling is a habit and like all habits it must be broken. The emotions and the moods that trip the urge and compulsion must be recognized and replaced with something else, another behaviour, another way of thinking. When these new responses are strong enough, then the habit can be broken.
It's like the old saying goes, "Nothing is going to change until you change it."
In no way am I offering a solution to gambling, but only an insight.
And there are other spiritual and emotional gifts to breaking the gambling addiction, gifts that allow us to live more fully and compassionately.
Put another way, a gambler with a system is nothing more than a fool. The immutable facts about gambling is that it is detemined by streaks. Because the percentages are in favor of the house, over the long run the gambler will lose.
Card players think they are in more control, but don't fool yourselves. Winning and losing is largely determined by luck. The cards are random. The human factor plays a small role, but it is not the determining one.
So with the incontrovertable evidence that gambling is a fool's errand, why do we continue? Because even the slightest hope of winning justifies the excitement felt by the act of gambling. But let me ask you this: If you knew that the attactive and hot person before you that had you all lathered up was infected with HIV, would climb in bed with him/her? Of course not.
Yet, we walk away from the gambling whore not with HIV, but with our teeth kicked in or our noses smashed. And as bad as we feel, once we are on our feet again, we go back for more abuse.
We don't gamble because we are masochistic, we gamble because we have no control over the impulse. The promise of pleasure and excitement we feel totally obliterates the previous experiences of pain.
Let's not forget that compulsive gambling is a habit and like all habits it must be broken. The emotions and the moods that trip the urge and compulsion must be recognized and replaced with something else, another behaviour, another way of thinking. When these new responses are strong enough, then the habit can be broken.
It's like the old saying goes, "Nothing is going to change until you change it."
In no way am I offering a solution to gambling, but only an insight.
And there are other spiritual and emotional gifts to breaking the gambling addiction, gifts that allow us to live more fully and compassionately.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Human Element
We are social creatures. We are genetically wired to be social. It is how we learn and, more importantly, it is how we come to accept our imperfections and humanity.
Psychologists say that group therapy is more effective than individual therapy.
The 12-Step programs get that. The dynamics of the group allow us to expose the chinks in our armor safely and confidentially. Also, when we share what we've learn with others in a group, the lesson seems to "stick" with us. Perhaps because we are more accountable, and a measure of self esteem is gained through seeing ourselves as a role model.
The adage "We are only as sick as our secrets," is proven time and time again with the cartharsis that occurs after exposing our dark side. As we unburden our souls with the moldy secrets and shame we have been hiding, we literally "come clean" spirtually, we lighten up. It is much the same way we feel after placing our wet damp feet by the light of the fire.
When we admit what we've been hiding, we can see clearly and are able to integrate it into oursleves in a more healthy way. My admitting that I have a gambling problem and am compulsive doesn't make it go away. But by bringing it to light and putting it front of me, I am able to respect it, even embrace it. Because like the herpes virus, it isn't going away which means I have to find a way of accepting it.
If you want to know something, teach it. If you want to know if the new tender shoots of your sobriety are taking hold, then share what you have learned. Learning is defined as "a change in behaviour." Reinforce your new behaviour by sharing it with others.
Psychologists say that group therapy is more effective than individual therapy.
The 12-Step programs get that. The dynamics of the group allow us to expose the chinks in our armor safely and confidentially. Also, when we share what we've learn with others in a group, the lesson seems to "stick" with us. Perhaps because we are more accountable, and a measure of self esteem is gained through seeing ourselves as a role model.
The adage "We are only as sick as our secrets," is proven time and time again with the cartharsis that occurs after exposing our dark side. As we unburden our souls with the moldy secrets and shame we have been hiding, we literally "come clean" spirtually, we lighten up. It is much the same way we feel after placing our wet damp feet by the light of the fire.
When we admit what we've been hiding, we can see clearly and are able to integrate it into oursleves in a more healthy way. My admitting that I have a gambling problem and am compulsive doesn't make it go away. But by bringing it to light and putting it front of me, I am able to respect it, even embrace it. Because like the herpes virus, it isn't going away which means I have to find a way of accepting it.
If you want to know something, teach it. If you want to know if the new tender shoots of your sobriety are taking hold, then share what you have learned. Learning is defined as "a change in behaviour." Reinforce your new behaviour by sharing it with others.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Stillpoint
Addiction takes us away from ourselves and not into ourselves, and the lies we use is the road we travel. Every additional lie is like a turnoff from the previous road, until we've turned so many times we can't find our way back.
At that point we are so lost that that we throw down mask and reveal the ugly mess we have been covering up.
Addiction prevents us from loving ourselves compassionately. It could be said that our addictions spring from not loving ourselves compassionately, not accepting ourselves and all our warts, not wanting to sit with the imperfections. So instead we chase things that will bring us excitement or turmoil, because that is better than dealing with those empty spaces within us.
Life includes suffering and loss. The biggest lie we believe is that if we can become good enough, smart enough, strong enough, healthy enough, pretty enough and successful enough we can avoid suffering.
It ain't going to happen. We are born and then we die. In between there is an abundance of joy and happiness to be had, along with the pain and disappointment. They are as interlinked as night and day.
The attempt at covering our pain only leads to greater pain. This is the truism that all psychologists agree upon. Deal with the original pain and we are that much closer to being integrated as humans.
I don't have to be perfect. As a matter of fact I prefer not to be, because it is in my imperfection that that I realize my humanity and can embrace the world.
Sitting with my inadaquacies and learning to find the still point within me is an art. It is also the first step in learning not to run and lose myself in a compulsive activity.
As the poet T. S. Elliot wrote:
At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance,
I can only say, there we have been: but I cannot say where.
And I cannot say, how long, for that is to place it in time.
The inner freedom from the practical desire,
The release from action and suffering, release from the inner
And the outer compulsion, yet surrounded
By a grace of sense, a white light still and moving.
At that point we are so lost that that we throw down mask and reveal the ugly mess we have been covering up.
Addiction prevents us from loving ourselves compassionately. It could be said that our addictions spring from not loving ourselves compassionately, not accepting ourselves and all our warts, not wanting to sit with the imperfections. So instead we chase things that will bring us excitement or turmoil, because that is better than dealing with those empty spaces within us.
Life includes suffering and loss. The biggest lie we believe is that if we can become good enough, smart enough, strong enough, healthy enough, pretty enough and successful enough we can avoid suffering.
It ain't going to happen. We are born and then we die. In between there is an abundance of joy and happiness to be had, along with the pain and disappointment. They are as interlinked as night and day.
The attempt at covering our pain only leads to greater pain. This is the truism that all psychologists agree upon. Deal with the original pain and we are that much closer to being integrated as humans.
I don't have to be perfect. As a matter of fact I prefer not to be, because it is in my imperfection that that I realize my humanity and can embrace the world.
Sitting with my inadaquacies and learning to find the still point within me is an art. It is also the first step in learning not to run and lose myself in a compulsive activity.
As the poet T. S. Elliot wrote:
At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance,
I can only say, there we have been: but I cannot say where.
And I cannot say, how long, for that is to place it in time.
The inner freedom from the practical desire,
The release from action and suffering, release from the inner
And the outer compulsion, yet surrounded
By a grace of sense, a white light still and moving.
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