One of the misgivings I had when I gambled was how much of my time it wasted and how I could be doing something more constructive. Of course these pangs of guilt were like bugs hitting the windshield of my car at 80 m.p.h. They never slowed me down or made me change my direction. The momentum of the car could only be stopped by crashing into a tree or having a blowout, either scenario having the same effect: leaving me stranded and feeling pissed that I could not get to where I was going.
When we are in the throes of compulsion, our lives are like a car speeding down the highway out of control and we are just the passenger. We want to slow down or stop but we can't. It takes a blow out or a crash to stop us, but just as in the literal interpretation, there is always damage to ourselves and/or others. Our reputations and finances are in ruins, our friends and families hurt and betrayed.
I've stopped and started gambling many times and what I've learned from these experiences is that if I start again it is as certain as the sun coming up in the morning that I will continue gambling. I can't not stop on my own unless I wreck. It is like jumping out a 10-story building and saying I want to stop at the fifth floor. The laws of compulsive gambling are as immutable as the laws of gravity. You ain't stopping until you land on your posterior.
As gamblers, we are not stupid. We know the difference between good decisions and bad decisions. However, when we are gambling our powers of discernment are suspended. But if we gamble long enough and crash enough times we start to see the folly of our rationalizations. After a while we see our justifications as nothing more than lies that are as porous as a paper umbrella.
If you are lucky, your crashes will outnumber your rationalizations by one.
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